A place of comfort through my journal

Hmm… Id have to admit. This blog is insanely career focused. But also, as I deal with life, we can sprinkle some personal touches. Like the past partnership I had.

From April 2022, while I was working in the farm, I met the person Ive ever only learned to love. It was amazing as I never met anyone who was so invested in my dream for coffee. Loving this guy was effortless. He was living in Hilo, I was living in Kona. We would spend weekends on either of our area or meet in the middle. He came with me during that fermentation camp in Colombia. One that was a huge part of my dream, and had an opportunity to also visit Panama. On our first Christmas together, he met my family and came to The Philippines with me. We spent such a lovely time.

When we got back to Hawaii, I had to move to Oʻahu, a different island. A company offered to have me work there and learn coffee roasting. A lot of in betweens but it didn’t work out and I had to move back to Hilo to start my business instead.

Wasn’t it perfect? I move back to Big island and want to stay in Hilo & start my business where my past partner was at?

yeah, no. At that time, he was building homes. Market wasn’t as good. On the side of his profession, he wanted a stable career. One that doesn’t break his body with health insurance. Absolutely understandable…. I was willing to work through our relationship despite his career change & his need to pursue the education in California.

Before he left for his studies in the medical field, he built me a coffee cart.

I was left in Hilo, to figure out what to do. I was unprepared to still start my business… I had to find myself a stable job. Which didn’t work out as I learned that flipping clothes could pay my rent better & that I had time to work on my coffee cart.

Throughout all this life changes, I was also going through tough times….

While he was in California, and I was navigating both of my coffee business and clothing side hustle, there has been lack of communication. It drove me crazy knowing if he was alive or not. When he sent messages, my mood was good & when he doesn't, I couldn’t eat nor sleep.

When we communicate about this, it seemed to be dodged and all I can do is forgive so we can put value in the time we’re sharing stories. You know, many times Id lose my mind as a lot of words said weren’t true anymore.

I have been led to believe promises that weren’t meant to be kept. I stay knowing that maybe it’s just a phase. He will eventually be mentally stable again.

His stay kept extending from 3 months to a year. Then one day, he sent me this message of being “thankful” for the love & loyalty I gave. It was a breakup text, with false hope that he will find me again.

Few days later he came home. Knocked on the door and said “Hi, friend”.

Biggest insult. He came to help for Merrie Monarch, Hawaii’s festival. Few days later, he had to leave.

We were good friends to begin with, so maybe I can, and why not? At first, he was more consistent on checking up on me again…

Oh yes. Huge mistake to stay as friends. Never do it. After some time, when he called, I was there. When I need a conversation, my mom was there. I can’t be angry with a man who’s not committed to me, correct?

Did that for 9 months. So many people told me to stop. Within that time frame, he started renovating homes again which was great as that was his passion. However, I knew I was stupid for keeping our communication open. Messages have been inconsistent. Days I wouldn’t hear from him. And the plans of staying in California just kept extending. I just kept my hopes up that once he achieved self fulfillment, he’d one day actually come back home.

Then this January I tried to organize my life. Something in my head clicked upon a message I received from Michael, saying “Ola amiga”.

Degrading, I must say. I asked… what’s the point of texting me if he never replies back. “I am sorry. I was working. So you want me to disappear?” , he replied.

I’m sorry but was that a threat? To me? He has disappeared on me for quite a while & has only resurfaced upon his convenience.

and that’s when I decided to stop my stupidity. I blocked him through Whatsapp or my phone number.

I lost respect for myself while entertaining a person like this.

I kept my email open, as when Ive been persistent, I was able to contact him through that. 2 months later, I hear nothing.

You know what’s odd? I constantly have to remind myself of the pain I went through just to learn how to love him.

I needed an outlet for the fun places about my day. I turned back into the things & hobbies that made me myself again so I can keep my head held high while working on my goals.

Do I miss this person? No. Not anymore. I miss how happy I was being with someone I thought Id spend my future with. But I believe that I spent more time hurting through the duration of knowing him. And I do know that my sanity has to be kept intact for the sake of my goals.

And that I will never trade my sanity to accept degradation of self worth.

However it doesn’t always come easy to remind myself of these decisions. When in doubt, I turn to my journal, write how I really feel, turn some pages of days Ive desperately tried to get out of my head, then all of a sudden, my pen & paper became that space. A space within reach that just became comfort for a healing heart.